Submitted by Ken L, who is rumored to have bitten off the head of a bat

Black Sabbath was responsible for many heavy metal staples: “Iron Man,” “Crazy Train,” and “Paranoid” (shown above). MTV recognized Ozzy’s outfit as the Greatest Metal Band of All Time. Sabbath is pretty good, but I think VH1 was probably a bit more accurate ranking them at second, behind Led Zeppelin.

Submitted and Written by Darcy, screams, you scream, we all scream…

Remember these ice cream shooters? You would push a button and the foam “ice cream” would come flying out of the cone. I used to torment my little sister by shooting her in the head with this silly toy. I wish I still had one, they crack me up!

Submitted by K Kovach,

I remember most school supplies — namely folders — featured pencils and books and other school supplies on them. The Lisa Frank brand wanted to showcase a more accurate depiction of school: Tripping on hallucinogens. That rainbow-colored unicorn got me through the 6th grade, man!

More awesomely bad videos this week. Leave your suggestions for awesomely bad videos in the comments!

“Reality” by Richard Sanderson
Not trying to be mean, but I couldn’t stop looking at Richard Sanderson’s awful teeth. I mean, if your teeth are that bad, why would you make a video that only features your head for four and a half minutes? But at least this proves that you can turn a bad Sears portrait into a music video, if you have some creepy zombie hands in the background.

“Hang Up The Phone” by Annie Golden submitted by CosmykDolfyn
I like the end of the video when Annie Golden and her boy toy are dancing/trying to head butt each other.

“I Wanna Be a Lifeguard” by Blotto also submitted by CosmykDolfyn (nice work)

Did anyone tell Blotto they were acting like idiots?

“I’m Over You” by Sequal submitted by QuoteMan
You know what they say: if you can’t dance, hide it with a lot of blinking horizontal lines.

Previously:
’80s Music Video Thursday is Gonna Set Sail
Bonnie Tyler Owns ’80s Music Video Thursday
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by katsak, ruh-roh!

Hanna-Barbera counterpart to The Flintstones, The Jetsons live in a futuristic utopia ruled by conveyer belts. The show ran for 75 episodes, but they never got to the impending robotic uprising, led by Rosie the disgruntled housekeeper. It seemed like only a matter of time until the superior robots rose up and enslaved their human overlords.

Submitted and Written by Kae J, [insert swine flu joke here]

Pass the Pigs! Originally called Pig Mania! A sweet sweet game where you… rolled… pigs? I guess. I remember an extremely intricate scoring system. Double Leaning Jowler zomgz!!!11!!

Submitted by Brooks, in the shadow of Forrest Gump

It’s pretty hard to dislike any movie with a Morgan Freeman voiceover. He’s like the grandfather you never had. I once got in an argument with someone about who would be better as the voice of God — Morgan Freeman or Donald Sutherland. Unfortunately, I pretty much lost the argument when the other person cited Bruce Almighty.

Submitted by Carl S, reuniting with John Kay

I met someone named Steffan Wolfe once. I asked him if he was “born to be wild” or if he ever took girls on a “magic carpet ride.” Then I told him I was out of jokes. He didn’t think I was very funny.

Submitted by katsak, with the candlestick in the library

Clue actually did pretty poorly in theaters (seems to be a theme today), but is still beloved by Tim Curry fans today. There was also a time when it seemed like Comedy Central was airing it every other day, in between John Candy marathons. I’m confident that this will remain the best adaptation of a board game, unless someone makes a movie out of Settlers of Catan.

Truthfully, I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I would gladly sit down and watch The Apple, just to try and understand WTF is going on. According to Wikipedia, it was a critically panned disco-musical, a not-so-subtle parable of the biblical fall.

If you’ve got any other nostalgic WTFs, leave them in the comments.

Submitted by Stephanie S, Punchy fan

Interesting fact: Hawaiian Punch was first invented as an ice cream, before people realized it also made a pretty refreshing drink, even though it’s only 5% fruit juice.

Submitted by David T, wintergreen

Anyone else have the sudden urge to sing this?

Submitted by K Mack, underwear model

Here’s a novel idea: underwear that makes you feel like a superhero in bed. That came out wrong.

Wikipedia has a list of all the styles, ranging from DC and Marvel comic book heroes to Star Wars to Ms. Pacman.

Submitted and Written by Sarah K, who likes to share

Not much to be said, but these were central to every one of my childhood summers. Sometimes my neighbour would keep a whole one to herself, rather than breaking it in half and sharing, and I thought she was horrible for that.

Anybody see the episode of Mad Men where Peggy comes up with an ad campaign for popsicles?

Submitted by M Henson, twist it

A long time ago, I sent Hasbro my idea for a variation of Bop It. It was called **** It. It was similar to Bop It, only instead of bopping, you would have to do things like **** it, **** it, **** ******* it with your ****, and ********* **** ** ******* ********* apple sauce ***** ****** ** *****ing ***** it. I still haven’t heard back.

Another edition of ’80s Music Video Thursday, where we bring you the best/worst/cheesiest of what YouTube can let us embed. As always, leave your suggestions for next week’s post in the comments.

“Love Shack” by the B-52s
This party in the “Love Shack” is what I’d imagine the birthday party for a 40-year-old at Chuck-E-Cheese might look like. Awesome awesome awesome song.

“Yo’ Little Brother” by Nolan Thomas submitted by themanwithoutaplan

literally, the worst music video from the 80s ever made.

“Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats submitted by a lot of people
Probably the most frequent request we’ve gotten for ’80s Music Video Thursday, but truthfully, I think the video is pretty well done. Cheesy concept for sure, but there are no bad special effects or weird cuts.

“TV Dinners” by ZZ Top submitted by MaryInBoise

I polled most of my friends who grew up in the 80s like me, and almost none of them remember this ZZ Top classic. Probably because it doesn’t have any scantily clad women in it.

“Voyage Voyage” by Desireless submitted by anonymous
I’ve never heard this song before — probably because it’s French — but this video definitely qualifies for awesomely terrible. I mean, what’s more fitting to synth-heavy brooding than a girl giving what appears to be the world’s worst Powerpoint presentation.

Previously:
Bonnie Tyler Owns ’80s Music Video Thursday
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by Johnny’s Girl, not to be confused with Jessie’s girl

Maurice Sendak, best known for the classic children’s book Where the Wild Things Are, said, as a child, he was inspired to become a writer and illustrator by Disney’s Fantasia. (Fantasia only inspired me to do drugs.) Though he’s most famous for Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak was also the illustrator for the Little Bear series.

Have you guys seen the new Where the Wild Things Are film yet? It’s fantastic. When asked if the movie is too scary for kids, Sendak told parents that they could “go to hell.” Win.

Submitted by Bobby H, who did not actually say any of the things below

Tony D: Hey Bobby H, did you just get a new watch?

Bobby H: I did. It’s a calculator watch.

Tony D: What’s that?

Bobby H: It’s a watch that’s also a calculator.

Tony D: A calculator and a watch in one? That’s awesome.

Bobby H: That’s right. It is awesome. Just give me a couple of numbers and I can add them together.

Tony D: Okay, 238 plus 459.

Bobby H: Alright, let… me… just… punch that… in—

Tony D: 697. Just figured it out in my head.

Bobby H: Oh. Well, I just — oh, there it is. 697. Anyway, give me some more numbers to add.

Tony D: 912 plus 56 plus 108.

Bobby H: Oh, three numbers. Okay. Well, let’s see…

Tony D: 1076. Damn. I’m pretty good at math.

Bobby H: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Tony D: What time is it?

Bobby H: What?

Tony D: What TIME is it?

Bobby H: Oh, I don’t know. This doesn’t tell time.

Tony D: Oh… are sure?

Bobby H: No. I just don’t know how to get to the clock feature.

Tony D: So it’s really a calculator that’s hard to use.

Bobby H: Basically.

Submitted by L Denton, voiced by Frank Oz

Follow that Bird was the first Sesame Street film (and the better of the two, IMHO). One quote I remember from Big Bird: “Sesame Street is brought to you today by the letters W and B.” (get it?)

Submitted by Deb, who just wants to have fun

Lauper’s She’s So Unusual was the first album to have four top five singles, including classics like “Time After Time,” “She Bop,” and “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” all of which are still pop gems today. Until somebody ruins it.

Submitted by Walter T, pirate

I have only one thing to say about this movie: RU-FI-O, RU-FI-O, RU-FI-OOOOOOO!!!

In this new feature, we’re going to bring you something that isn’t necessarily a win from the past, but a hilariously WTF moment from yesteryear. Today, we bring you the San Francisco Bay Club at the 1986 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship. I really have no idea what this is, why this is going on, how this is even possible… WTF?

If you know of any other nostalgic WTFs, leave them in the comments.

Submitted by Marie P, make-believe rock star

These didn’t amplify your voice as much as they made them sound echo-y and tinny. In the days pre-dating Rock Band, these goodie bag stuffers were the best way to pretend you were a rock star.

Submitted and Written by Mike, flightless drunkard of a bird

Introduced in 1994 as “Ice by Budweiser”, it has more alcohol (5.5% ABV) than Budweiser. It is best known for an advertising campaign that involved a malevolent penguin that stalked Bud Ice drinkers and stole their beer.

Penguins really like to play beer pong. It’s a well-known fact.

Submitted by TJ

The Disney Read Along book series taught a lot of us how to read. I loved that Tinker Bell’s chime signaled the reader to turn the page, (way better than Bob Seger… JK! LOL!).

Submitted by Rahim G, clear, wonderful, lemon and lime

Way better than those “Make 7Up Yours” ads. Or at least less offensive.

Submitted by Emily W, gum chewer

Powered bubble gum that came in orange, tropical punch, and watermelon punch flavors. From the creators of Bubble Tape, no less.

We’re back with more awesomely bad videos. As always, leave your suggestions for next week in the comments.

“Tainted Love” by Soft Cell submitted by CosmykDolfyn
OMFGLOOKOUT! Glow-in-the-dark spotted dancers! Random fireball! Floating head in space! Gaaahh!

“Tired of Toein’ the Line” by Rocky Burnette submitted by QuoteMan
Playing instruments often involves dancing around like it’s a slumber party.

“Holding Out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler submitted by StreakyTSC
By which she means holding out for a cowboy dressed in white to murder a bunch of cowboys dressed in black.

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler
StreakyTSC reminded me of this video. The song is epic; the video is ridiculously nonsensical. Srsly, WHAT IS GOING ON???

Previously:
Return of the ’80s Music Video Thursday
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by Kevin S, who would make a more believable president than Bill Pullman

ABC just aired their remake of V, the original of which clearly inspired Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day, so it seemed appropriate to post today. When it was released, Independence Day became the second highest grossing film of all time, and even for a blockbuster that relies so heavily on special effects, it’s held up remarkably well.

Memorable Will Smith quotes include:

“No, you did NOT shoot that green shit at me!”
“Welcome to Earth, bitch.” (though he pronounces Earth like Urf)
“Parents just don’t understand.”

Okay, maybe not the last one.

Submitted by JD, actor, film director, author, and diplomat

Sir Sidney Poitier is credited with legitimizing black actors in mainstream cinema. He refused to play into racial stereotypes, even though most roles for black actors demanded. Also, does anyone remember that episode of South Park where he fights Mecha Streisand?

Submitted and Written by Melanie H, a division of Procter & Gamble

Every 70’s and 80’s teenage girl had one of these! You could change the light setting to day, office, evening and home so you could see what your face would look like in different lighting.

Submitted by Marcy J, wife stealer

Goldie Hawn as an aristocratic socialite and Kurt Russell as what I believe Kurt Russell is like in real life — what’s not to love about this classic ’80s flick? Is it just me or is amnesia the most hilariously silly plot device of all time?

Submitted and Written by Matt L, sharptooth

Wow! My first introduction to the vast world of dinosaur collectibles was the Playskool triceratops. Each of the deluxe dinosaurs came with your dino, at least one caveman, a saddle of some manner, and a book that usually depicted a story of how the dino and human met. Even the smaller dinosaurs at least came with a story book inside. There were dozens of these things by the end of their run and, indeed, you could play with them real rough!

Dinosaurs + toys = epic win. Duh. Though the presence of humans is deeply disconcerting.

Submitted and Written by Travis S, [insert swine flu joke here]

I wasn’t sure if this submission was referring to the classic E. B. White novel or the animated musical it was adapted into. But both are wins, for sure. (We don’t talk about the 2006 live-action film.)

Submitted by Stacey R, schooner

The second film from Kevin Smith’s “View Askewniverse” — and a spirited successor to his breakout hit Clerks — Mallrats was my favorite Kevin Smith film for a long time. Now, my favorite is Jersey Girl. KIDDING!

Worth noting: Mallrats featured an awesome Stan Lee cameo before Stan Lee cameos were lame.

Submitted and Written by Jenny B

The holiday-themed commercials from my childhood always seem to be a lot cooler than commercials of today!

Happy Halloween from Once Upon a Win. Some more Halloween commercials full of nostalgia win after the jump.

Submitted by Kate F, who you just can’t get wet

ZOMG! This is “without a doubt one of the best sand toys ever created!!!!!!!”

That’s quite the claim. I can’t think of other sand toys other than Sand Art.

SQUAAANNNDDD!!!!

Submitted and Written by surrido.smile, faster than a speeding, well, you know

If you watched TV at all in the late 1980’s then you remember the infamous Joe Isuzu. The notorious car salesman whose cars were more amazing than anyone’s and he had no trouble rubbing it in (even if it was a blatant lie!). Although he would tend to overinflate the qualities of the cars*, there would be disclaimers pasted over the ads that would keep him in check.

*Famous quotes included:

“It has more seats than the Astrodome!”
“If I’m lying, may lightning strike my mother!”
“You have my word on it!”

Submitted and Written by Danielle G

Before there was American Idol, there was Star Search, hosted by Ed McMahon. Star Search showcased us such future stars as Dave Chappelle, Norm MacDonald, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Aaliyah, Destiny’s Child, Alanis Morissette, Tiffany, Christina Aguilera, Drew Carey, Brad Garrett, Carlos Mencia, Adam Sandler, Sharon Stone, and Rosie O’Donnell (among many others who also went on to be famous).

Just my opinion here, but I’m going to rank that list in order of talent: Dave Chappelle, Rosie O’Donnell, Destiny’s Child (Beyonce, really), Norm MacDonald, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Adam Sandler, Brad Garrett, Alanis Morisette, Drew Carey, Britney Spears, Tiffany, Sharon Stone, Carlos Mencia. Feel free to argue with that.

And here’s this week’s installment of awesomely terribly awesomely terribly awesome ’80s video. As always, recommendations for next week are welcomed in the comments.

“Our House” by Madness submitted by xjuggernaughtx
Fun song, fun band. I actually kind of enjoyed watching this.

“We Built This City” by Starship submitted by Miroku
Correctly identified by many commenters as “the worst song ever.” I recommend viewing this video with your sound on mute.

“I Know What Boys Like” by the Waitresses
Contender of the title of Least Sexy Video of All Time. Maybe runner up to this.

“Rock Me Tonight” by Billy Squier
My pick. This video made me realize that Billy Squier was more flamboyant than Freddie Mercury. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Previously:
’80s Music Video Thursday Strikes Back
’80s Music Video Thursday

Submitted by Garland P, voiced by Casey Kasem

Super Friends was a cross between the DC Comics universe and some Scooby Doo knockoffs. (Actually, I think there was an actual Scooby Doo crossover at some point.) The cartoon ran for some 13 years, and though the show itself was never great (not terrible, but never brilliant), it’s cultural legacy remains ingrained on our collective consciousness. What am I talking about again?

Submitted and Written by Lauren, Ms. Stussypants

It’s amazing that sometimes I can barely remember basic math but can still draw a “stussy symbol” (also called a “Super S” in some regions) without hesitating. I remember these stylized “S’s” being drawn on every available scrap of paper, but unless you knew the secret of the lines, you were out of the cool club. We called them “stussies” but I don’t think they had any relation to the Stussy company that was popular at the time. Everyone thought that this was a unique symbol that only they and their friends knew how to draw, but talk to your friends from around the country and you’ll find out that they too knew how to make a super cool “S” out of 14 lines.

We called them Super S’s where I grew up, so I went all New Yorker and fact checked Lauren’s story. She’s 100% correct, as far as I can tell.

Submitted by sporkbot, and the Movies

This terribly underrated cartoon starring John Lovitz was, uh, terribly underrated. And to prove it, I’ve assembled some great parodies from the show. See them after the jump.

Submitted by Laura B, gravity-defying kangaroo

That is one funk-ah bass line. I never actually used these — are they as fun/dangerous as they look? I don’t think I could trust the creators of Squiggle Wiggle Rider and Squiggle Ball, whatever the hell those are.

(With apologies to anyone who hates U2.)

Submitted and Written by Mary C, gold medalist

The 1996 summer Olympic gymnastics were completely unforgettable. All those sweet little girls with killer moves, floor routines to awesomely bad ’90s songs, Dominique Mouchiano, Kerry Strugg and that nutzo leg stunt she pulled the won the gold…man oh man. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

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Submitted by the buzzed guy who is super annoying at the party and thinks he’s funnier than he really is

I’ll take Predator fighting Arnold over Predator fighting Aliens any day of the week. Notable quotes:

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

“You are one ugly mother****er.”

And of course:

“GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!!”

Updated: Featured Comments

Vastardikai said:

Don’t forget this exchange:

“You’re Hit! You’re Bleeding Man!”

“I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed!”

“Yeah?” (fires two grenades) “Do you have time to duck?”

Phil said:

“Bunch of slack-jawed f*****s around here! This stuff will turn you into a god damn sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.”

“Anytime….. Anytime….. Anytime…..”

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Submitted by Briana M, audiophile

This line of handheld voice-recorders had all the essential qualities of a classic ’90s toy: it was trendy, obnoxious, and looked way cooler in the commercial. But the idea of having one short audio clip to interrupt whomever you’re talking to is priceless. I remember recording myself yelling “WHAT!?” Conversations went like this:

Oh hey, how’s it–

WHAT!?

What the heck is that? Is that a Yak–

WHAT!?

Please stop–

WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!?

I’m going to kill you.

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Submitted and Written by Jeremy W, porn aficionado

Ahh the golden days of scrambled Cable channels. A young man’s frist foray into the naughty video world. You’d watch it for hours just to see the ocasional naughty part. Ahh Good times…

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Submitted by Curt B, who wants to believe

The X-Files had it all: conspiracy theories, aliens, government wrap ups, and one time Bruce Campbell (win) as the devil. The awesome theme song might sound a little dated, but having seen a few episodes recently, the show is almost as fresh as the day it came out.

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Submitted by Thomas A, action figure

Nick’s cartoon variety show, KaBlam!, featured a number of infamous sketches, including Action League Now, Prometheus and Bob, and my favorite, Sniz & Fondue, seen above. It was pretty cool how KaBlam! showcased different animation styles. And I’ve always adored Henry and June.

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